In Need of Suggestions..

Help I have a bug problem! Since we live on the river, we have the biggest bugs in the world of every size, shape, color, and freakiness. I have never seen some of these bugs before in my life. At first we had trouble with these tiny red gnats that bit. I'd never experienced these before but you couldn't walk outside without getting bit. Then came the beetles. Birdie and Banjo would sit on the back porch and chase and eat the beetles for hours. I have a major fear of beetles. I can handle any other kind of bug, just keep beetles away from me. The way they cling to you really freaks me out. Now it's gotten hot enough to experience the mosquitoes.

Since it's rained non stop for a month we haven't been able to bring in fill dirt to fix the low spots in the front yard. Since it's so wet out there we can't mow and the grass is two feet tall. Apparently tall grass + lots of standing water= The BIGGEST MOSQUITOES IN THE WORLD. I'm pretty sure my front yard is a breeding ground for the west Nile virus. I have to wear "off" at all times, even in the house.

See, here's is the problem with the bugs inside the house...I have a porch light about five inches from my sliding glass door. I keep it on during the evenings for my Chocolate Children, because their room is on the porch. Every time you open the glass door about 50 million bugs fly in. They die within a few hours because our house is treated with the bug stuff the Bug Guys use. Anyway, I'm not quite sure what to do to prevent this bug invasion. I could turn the light off, which really doesn't help because the bugs still come to the door because of the light from inside. I could get a mosquito zapper but that's a little gross.

Here are a few of the things I have found on the WWW that could keep the bugs and mosquitoes away:

1. The Mosquito Laser"The laser, which has been dubbed a “weapon of mosquito destruction” fires at mosquitoes once it detects the audio frequency created by the beating of its wings. The laser beam then destroys the mosquito, burning it on the
   spot. But what if I were to accidentally sound a little bit like a mosquito when I walked by this laser?? Would It burn me on the spot? This scares me just a little bit. I don't think this is the solution to my bug problems.
   

2. Electric Tennis Racket -BugKwikZap Bug Zapper Electric Fly SwatterSuper High Voltage Bug Zapper. Discharge up to 2300V Takes 2 AA Batteries. Comes with yellow Integrated Light on the handle!!

What would people say if they drove by and saw me randomly swinging a tennis racket in the air a million times. Yeah..this isn't my solution, I don't want to have to do the work.

3. Flamingo Bug Zapper-"Solar-powered flamingo rids annoying pests while adding a touch of campy, nostalgic fun. Its solar collector stores the sun's energy by day to electrocute bugs that land on it at night. Safe for your pets and other backyard wildlife. Constructed of weather resistant plastic, it stakes securely into the ground. Requires 2 AA batteries, included. On/Off button"

Yeah I'm pretty sure this would not add a touch of campy, nostalgic fun-- It might add trashy, tacky, and cheap though.

4. Insect Vacuum- "It’s a gun-like device that works with compressed air. Stick it next to the insect in need of eviction and pull the trigger. A sudden suction of air will propel the chitinous fella into a receptacle for later (humane?) disposal."

This is popular in Japan. I wonder if it could double for a dustbuster?

hmmm... don't think I want to be the one to dump the receptical...what if they are still alive??

Well until I find a solution I'll just have to use my Fly Swatter. Click here to see how I've been practicing. Do you have any better suggestions? Please, help fast!! A mosquito the size of a quarter landed on my computer last night and I swear it was that big I had to look twice because I didn't think it was a mosquito, I thought it was a mosquito hawk. Seriously, hurry with the suggestions, they just get bigger and bigger and bigger.